"I come from a proud, American family that has been involved. I want to work for you because you pay a good upper-middle class salary. With nearly four decades of expierence as an American, I know what it takes to find solutions, Easter eggs, the Afikoman, and Orion's belt. The last one may help me navigate complicated governmental agencies, and get things done."
LIST OF ISSUES
EDUCATION
If we don't want our children left behind we have to make them faster. I propose a morning run before every school day: rain, shine, sleet, hail, snow or tornado. It's hard to call our kids stupid if you can't get within ear shot of them. Also, a good run will leave our kids too tired to act out and disrupt class, opeing up the possiblity for teaching.
Foreign Policy
I think we need to all friend Vladamir Putin on Facebook and Twitter then not invite him to any of our parties or events. Take thousands of pictures of all the fun we're having at said parties and title these pictures "Everyone is included except the leader who likes to invade Ukraine." Putin will be in such a derpessive funk he won't have the wherewithal to continue his shenanigans. We can also keep oil prices low, which will keep Russia economically recessed.
Olive branch to Russia. We take female refugees from Iraq and Afganistan and pair them up with Chinese men, who can't find wives due to the Chinese gender imbalance, via a fun weekend of speed dating, snacks, and drinks (alcoholic and non) and re-locate them inside Russia's depolpulated borders. Everybody wins.
But what about ISIS aka ISIL aka the Islamic State aka Jerkfaces who hate history. We can send our local heavily militarized police forces over there. They can use their stop and frisk techniques in Iraq and Syria. Further, we will continue to produce fun pop music, grandiose movies and addictive video games to distract the hearts and minds of our would be enemies. Given the choice I think most people would chose playing Ratchet and Clank over jihad in the parching desert.
HEALTHCARE
.We have no choice but to arm the rebels.as they do battle with the insurance companies.
ENVIRONMENT
I still maintain that human, hamster wheels are our best option to fighting global warming, obesity, and joblessness. Also, we can build that machine some foriegn kid designed to take the plastic out of the ocean. I'll sign an executive order forcing some American company to build it. I don't know which company but I'm guessing it will the be the company that gives the most money to my opponents. Don't cross me.
Economy
I will cut the work week from 40 hours to 20 hours, instantly--doubling the amount of jobs.
I already have the human hanster wheel project happening, that's jobs right there.
We could also declare bancruptcy close down the USA and open under a new name like "A bunch of unified territories near Canada." This means we could just stop paying our debt to China. This in turn would hurt China' possibly bankrupting their cyber warfare department, and would allow us to build a high speed rail line with our newly available funds. And that rail line would also create jobs.
The El Salvadorian Refugee Children
Just because it's no longer in your twitter and facebook feed doesn't mean the South and Central American kids aren't still coming. They are. So why not make the best of it? Put them in math camps. Our own kids don't seem to be motivated to learn math and science at all, so why not take thiese kids and while they are being processed for citizenship force feed them math. All day long. Reward them with puppies, and American pop culture. We'll be back to number 1 in the world in math an science in one generation.